Writing reflection

"Writing well in the sense of writing something interesting and urgent and alive, that actually has calories in it for the reader — the reader walks away having benefited from the 45 minutes she put into reading the thing — maybe isn’t hard for a certain few. I mean, maybe John Updike’s first drafts are these incredible . . . Apparently Bertrand Russell could just simply sit down and do this. I don’t know anyone who can do that. For me, the cliché that “Writing that appears effortless takes the most work” has been borne out through very unpleasant experience."

Even if it has been said before, I constantly need to hear stuff like this. Telling myself "I'm no good at writing" isn't helpful because writing not about a quality that you need when you are born. It does take editing and practice. At the same time, some people seriously come across like they just know how to write. They string words together effortlessly and somehow they flow. I've always felt like my writing is awkward, but I can't judge it against edited works and things people have spent ages on. When I edit, I edit a lot, and I don't even know if it fixes anything. It's really hard to keep telling myself that writing is a skill one needs to constantly work on, and I can't just give up because some people are better at writing than I am. My aunt has encouraged me to read more in order to become a better writer, and I think that's a good idea. You learn ways sentences can be put together and words you never thought to describe something but actually work perfectly when you read. I think my biggest obstacle is the mental block. I'm so afraid of judgement or being bad at it that sometimes I don't want to try. At the same time, some planning is needed. The thing about in class essays is that this draft is your only draft, so it had better be good. That's tough for me because I like getting all my ideas on paper and being able to self-edit along the way. Sometimes, I get to a point where I think, "shoot; this actually makes no sense but I wrote a lot so I don't know what to do now." If it were a first draft, I could backspace and try something new, but in terms of having to write in one sitting, that's hard.
There's a big emphasis on "shitty first drafts," which is a concept I like. It's important to do something. It's really comforting to know that a fairly esteemed writer struggles too, and has "unpleasant experience" with writing. I have had many unpleasant experiences too. It's comforting to know I am not alone. "Awkward" is always the word that comes to mind when I think about my writing. Awkward. My sentences don't feel like they flow and it just feels strange. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. Who cares if some people have this God-given quality to put words together in beautiful ways? That isn't me, but I still have my own style, and I can make it work.